i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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