she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
