well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
