no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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