I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
