Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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