i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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