can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
my sisters under your porch take her home
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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