I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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