I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
