I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
