all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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