i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
