Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
