It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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