I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
