1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
You smell like stripper and shame
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
