Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
