What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
