I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
The struggles of a small town man whore
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
