I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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