explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
