I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
