Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
