i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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