my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
