She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
