we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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