You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
