There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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