And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
