"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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