I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
