Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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