took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
