is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
