She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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