The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
