i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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