I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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