I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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