why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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