I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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