How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
