it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize