i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
