If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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