why didn't you poke me back
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Randomize
