Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
