wat bout pragnant strippers??
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
