dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
