Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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