i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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