Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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