i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I said "one day" and that day is not today
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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