we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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