So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
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