Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
